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January 4, 2014 / Henning

How I discovered Harry Potter

I do not know how this happened. It happened. I never even liked the fantasy genre. It happened anyways, despite the fact that I was never interested in this whole franchise before – even when everyone else got all barmy about it. After all these years I did it:

I watched the Harry Potter films. All of them. In a week.

When I started I only had a very basic idea about this universe. An old English teacher read the first chapter of the first book with us when it came out. I knew that Harry Potter can do magic. That was about it. As said, I do not know how this happened. I had a sudden hunger for this thing, a sudden craving and I never thought I would enjoy it. But yes. I enjoyed it. Good work, done by the book. Especially great for kids and nerds.

Still, several aspects of the Potter series left me bemused. As my therapist does not return my calls any longer, let me share some of the thoughts I had during my Potter marathon. For your convenience – and as these are the interwebs – I added several colourful pictures. No cats. Sorry.

Why do these people dress funny?


The most evil aspect about Draco Malfoy is his hair.


Have they stopped redecorating Hogwarts in the 19th century?


I, for one, find the idea of hog warts repelling.


And i never saw the hairy potter they kept mentioning.


Isn’t this super dangerous? Why don’t more pupils get killed at that school? Boy, why don’t you tell anyone? No, don’t go there! No, don’t do that! Did you listen to me? Or even common sense? I said don’t…


…aahhhrrgggh, never mind.

Move it! Do not stand there staring. Didn’t you say something about hurrying a moment ago? Get off your arses and do something!


What a shitty sport is Quidditch? It ranks second among the most insane sports I have ever heard of – only beaten by tuna tossing.


Yes, it is this very item, that adds the lion’s share of insanity to Quidditch. In my opinion J.K. Rowling was only able to get away with this, because nerds generally neither do care about nor understand sports.


The whole series is quite kitschy and cliché-ridden. Especially in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Stereotypes this becomes obvious – thinking about the circus of french nymphs and the russian trapper hat army.

How do your bloody binding contracts work? You have to sign them! If someone else sings a contract for you, then it is not valid. Simple, isn’t it? Said not-so-binding-contract is the whole basis for the fourth film. These wizard laws are insane.


And who likes all these action scenes they put in every effing film these days? I don’t, that’s for sure. A dragon chasing a boy on a broomstick for fifteen minutes? Come on, this is ridiculous.


Is the fourth film the chick flick of the series? Fancy dresses and dances. Or is this just the antidote for the boring dragon-chase scene. And is this supposed to be a formula? 15 minutes for the boys. They like fire and dragons, don’t they? And then 15 minutes for the girls. I have heard girls like dances and valium and dresses. Bloody hell!


Wait a minute, I think I saw that sparkling vampire from the other teenage phenomenon I did not watch.


Why does Harry Potter wear his glasses while diving?


This whole world seems quite authoritarian. Whatever the freaking grand wizard wants, happens.


“Who took a bite of my sandwich?”

There is a nice your-schwartz-is-as-big-as-mine-scene at the end of the fourth film. Well done film people, this is exactly what this picture needed.


There are moments when it feels as if this Potter boy is quite a cunt.


I promise, this is the final, silly and obvious play on words for today:

The only serious black guy in these films works at the Ministry of Magic, as the only black kid at Hogwarts seems quite happy (most of the time).


Deathly Hallows – Part 1 is super boring. Where is my dragon chase scene? I want fancy dresses!


Deathly Hallows – Part 2 leaves me satisfied. It feels like this cannot be continued.

Kudos to J.K. Rowling, most of all for her brilliant idea for a childrens book – that she somehow managed to enlarge into seven copious volumes. I would not have merely enjoyed it when I was a kid; I am sure I would have loved it. Further I would not have had most of the questions above, when watching this as a kid and I probably would have been a little scared – especially by the final films. I do understand why so many people love this. I also understand the old saying “Thou shalt not scrutinise fantasy and action films” and I wanted to vomit only a few times during every film.

Fantasy is still one of my least favourite genres. Nevertheless, watching the eight Harry Potter films in a week was a pleasant experience. It honestly was, although I am aware that my conclusion is not in line with the better part of my post. Regarding the genre and coming from me, this conclusion is quite something. The Harry Potter series must seem really, really good to normal people – a.k.a. people who still have not lost the ability to show basic emotions. In case you are one of these and among the few who did not watch or read any of this, please feel encouraged to do what I did.



Leave a Comment
  1. Jeyna Grace / Jan 6 2014 4:32 am

    Everyone who watches the films without reading the books asks these questions.. most being the filmmakers mistakes. They either overlook certain things or leave out important information that can only be found in the books.

  2. Henning / Jan 6 2014 12:46 pm

    i always try to read a book before watching its film adaption. in harry potters case i just could not do this – keeping in mind the extent of such a project and my dislike for the fantasy genre. hence i have to trust you with what you write about the film versions. would not be the first (series of) book(s) with an inadequate film adaption. still, it was entertaining enough for my taste.

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